1. Describe the event including critical verbal and nonverbal communication and your responses.
I arrived early this Sunday and spent about five minutes saying hello to people and walking around campus. I noticed that one of the choir members, Erika, seemed distressed. She was helping Mother Sharon out of the car. Mother Sharon is a Methodist minister who has mobility issues, but who is a wonderful, warm, supportive person. She's also a member of the choir. I overheard her saying to Erika:
"Well, if there's no choir director, then we'll have to get by without one!"
I said, "Is there anything I can help with?"
Erika: "Our choir director's not here yet and we haven't practiced the processional."
Me: "Do you need people to sing?"
Erika: "Yes, we always need people to sing in the choir. Do you want to?"
Me: "I'd love to!"
Mother Sharon: "Look who just pulled up."
The choir director pulled up, looking unhappy. She got out of her car hurridly and moved into the sanctuary. Erika told her on the way that I wanted to sing. The choir director told me to come with her, so I did. She said that she had a 120 mile commute from North County and that the border patrol had stopped people on the way. She said people were on the ground, which I'm not sure what that meant, but I nodded sympathetically and said, "I'm glad you made it here safely!" She said: "Me too." She gave me a few instructions and then said I should vest with Erika.
I followed Erika to the choir room and put on the vestments. We also picked up a tambourine on the way. Then I joined the choir as we prepared for the processional. The processional had the same collect repeated twice, and Father Madsen ended up chanting it twice, and re-singing the psalm, which the choir had just sung. It was a gong show, but nobody seemed to notice, or if they did, they didn't mind.
I listened to Linnea, who stood next to me, and tried to follow her lead. She had a beautiful voice, which I appreciated. She seemed like the second-in-command choir director.
After the service as we were unvesting, I asked her about the processional and why it was so last minute, saying:
"So what happened with the processional today?"
Linnea: "Well I was notating the words of the psalm so people would know where the intonation changed, and I sent it to Father Madsen in plenty of time but didn't hear back from him. And we just discovered it this morning, so we were formatting the psalm before the service. And, we didn't practice."
Me: "Do you normally practice?"
Linnea: "Not before the service. Our choir director is from . . . "
Me: "Oceanside?"
Linnea: "North of there. So we don't usually practice before the service."
Me: "Oh I see. I didn't mean to sound critical. I was just trying to understand the process."
Linnea: (laughing) "What process?"
We laughed and talked about her experience of living in England for three years with a small baby (Erika) while her husband was in the air force. She seemed to enjoy talking about those days. She also revealed that this was the first year that St. Alban's had celebrated candlemas, which was another element of the processional. She seemed proud of the fact that they did it this year, but she admitted some kinks needed to be worked out.
2. Describe any emotions you perceived in others.
The choir was a bevy of emotions. From Erika's initial consternation and worry about the director not being there, to Linnea's mild frustration during the processional and embarrassment during my conversation with her later, and the choir director's anxiousness upon arrival, I picked up lots of emotions. The choir director also expressed frustration with the border checkpoint experience (the thing that held her up) and regret at being late. She seemed rushed and frazzled throughout the service. Erika just seemed worried. Linnea seems to have a strong desire for things to go a certain way but perhaps lacks the organizational skills to make that happen with a group of disjointed individuals? I'm not sure about that assessment as I don't know her terribly well. She seems organized, but this last-minute business on Sunday at 9:15 when the service starts at 9:30 was interesting.
3. Describe your personal feelings about the situation.
I felt happy to help and excited to be able to sing in the choir. I love singing, and have never felt comfortable trying out for the cathedral choir. I immediately recognized the value of a smaller congregation where perfection is not as important as participation. I very much appreciated the feeling of being in a pastoral role where Erika felt comfortable trusting me to join the choir without even hearing me sing. She automatically assumed I was trustworthy because of my role as a postulant for the priesthood and I value greatly that pastoral role. I felt immensely satisfied. I regretted, however, not being able to stay for choir practice after the coffee hour. I could tell that the choir director and the choir members wanted me to stay. I had already passed my two hours at church on Sunday morning, and I am working to stick to my boundaries. It is interesting to note how last-minute the choir seems and to ponder ways to improve that. I recognize I do not have the whole picture because I'm basing this observation on one Sunday's participation.
4. If it is a low point, state the problem. If it is a high point, state why it is so.
I see a couple of problems:
- The choir director lives 120 miles away so a before-church practice is not being held. It seems that Linnea, or another capable director could hold a practice for at least 30 minutes before the service without the director. Or the director could just come earlier, even though it's difficult.
- The choir director sits in the choir loft above the congregation and plays the organ while the choir members sit in the front two pews on the church floor. There is a delay from when the organ is played and when the people sing. One choir member, Erika, stands by the organ upstairs and sings so that the choir can hear her voice and catch up, but what ends up happening is Erika sings a half-beat ahead of the choir and it just sounds disjointed. I know the vestry voted to move the instrument downstairs, and I think this would be a wonderful solution. I do not know what the hold-up is since that decision was made last fall and nothing has been done yet. Something about which I will follow up with Father Madsen.
- I felt badly about putting Linnea on the spot after the service. She was gracious about it and I apologized for unintentionally sounding critical, but I really wish I had thought of a better way to phrase my curiosity about the process. I don't think Linnea was actually offended because she chatted away happily with me during coffee hour and invited me to come to choir practice.
I see a couple of high points:
- I was able to step in and help the choir and frantic Erika in a moment of need; it felt good to support them in that way
- I learned about the role of the choir in the liturgy; having never had this perspective before, this was valuable as I think about congregational ministry and being able to identify with the parishioners in their various roles. I plan to also learn about the altar guild and the sexton and the parish secretary - every role I can so that I will be an empathetic, servant leader one day.
- I authentically enjoyed singing and praising God as a part of the choir
5. If a low point list some other ways you might have responded or handled it; if a high point state any new insights or growth you perceive in the situation.
I would like to remember in the future that if things seem last-minute and disorganized, it's probably because they are! There's no mystery there and no reason to try to pin the blame on anyone (not that I was trying to do that, but I can see how my words could have been perceived that way and managing perception is critical to success). There is value in understanding what happened to try to avoid a repeat situation, but that conversation should probably come from the priest, instead of the postulant with only a three-month commitment and no real long-term investment, apart from general goodwill.
It seems to me that insights and growth emerge more from the low points than the high points in life, but I mentioned a few new positive insights above, in question four. In addition, I recognize that it is a sacred trust that Erika, Linnea and the other choir members had in me, and it's something I never want to abuse or lose. This pastoral role is a holy one. I hope I can live up to it someday.
6. Deal with the question: "How do I understand or make sense of this incident theologically?"
I think of Erika's frantic energy at the start of the morning and I remember Jesus' admonishion to consider the lilies of the field and the birds of the air. God takes care of us all, even small choirs in small congregations with late choir directors and organs in the choir loft while the choir's on the church floor. I hope that I was, and can continue to be, a support and strength in times of distress. I also hope to be aware of what I'm telegraphing energetically and emotionally so that my stress doesn't negatively impact others and so that they don't feel they need to take care of me. I felt an impulse to take care of Erika when I saw her distress, however I think that's appropriate. I would not like for my parishioners to feel they have to help me out when they come to church for spiritual nourishment. I will work on emotional containment in times of stress.
I'm grateful for this opportunity to serve at St. Alban's in this way. I feel energized and excited about the wonderful ministry happening there currently and for all the future possibilities. I am honored to have a quasi-pastoral role in the congregation and to support the individual members in their ministries, and the collective whole as well. What an awesome job being a priest is! I feel incredibly blessed, full and grateful.
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