Critical Incident Report
1. Describe the event including critical verbal and nonverbal communication and your responses.
I had a definite low today at the coffee hour. This Sunday I taught Sunday school to about 15 children. We talked about the temptation of Christ, and how he was tempted to turn stones into bread, to jump from a high place and have the angels rescue him, and to worship Satan in exchange for all worldly power. I had a lesson plan that I followed and everything went pretty well. In church, Father Madsen asked the kids what they learned and they answered appropriately until he asked them if they had learned anything about a high city where Satan had tempted Jesus. They said no because I had only said it was a "high place" and then my assistant had said it was a "cliff." So the kids had it in their mind that it was a cliff, not a city. Father Madsen made a joke of it by saying, "Now they're telling me I'm wrong!" Everyone laughed. He talked with them about temptation and repentance. Then he said, "I've got kids yawning up here. Who's bored?" Two girls shot their hands up straight into the air. The congregation laughed again. Father Madsen said, "It's just like church! I have people who disagree with me, who tell me I'm wrong and who are bored!" He said it all with a smile on his face and everyone laughed.
At coffee hour, I sat down with a woman named Penny who is in a wheelchair and has significant health issues. She's diabetic, obese, and has a spine that's fused together. We talked for a while with each other about the service, people and her week, and we talked with those around us. She told me that when she was fourteen, she jumped out of a high window because she was trying to fly to a nearby baseball field. She broke both her ankles, knees and every bone in her spine. This led to many health problems over the years, including her current reliance on a wheelchair. I was surprised that she thought she could fly at the age of fourteen. My own son is 14 and he figured out he couldn't fly at about age 4, which I think is pretty normal.
Later, I found myself sitting next to Penny again. We were making ham sandwiches for the sack lunches that volunteers distribute to people in Wells Park after the Welcome Church. As we sat and worked, she told me about her grandson, Jaylynn, and an incident that made her so mad she almost left St. Alban's.
Penny: I almost left the church about two years ago.
Me: Oh really? Why?
Penny: Well my grandson was out here (he flies back and forth from Florida all by himself -- pause so I can be impressed by this) and he was about to be confirmed but then they wouldn't do it because they said that we don't do confirmations at this time of year.
Me: Hmm....
Penny: Yes, and now he has been waiting for two-and-a-half years to be confirmed and now he's not sure he wants to join the church!
Me: I can see how that would be hard.
Penny: I almost left but then I sorta got over it. He shouldn't have to wait two years to get confirmed.
Me: Yes, that seems strange.
Penny: He's started asking questions. He asked me why I'm homophobic. I said, 'Jaylynn, I'm not homophobic.' He said, 'Yes, you are. You don't like 'em.' I said, 'I like 'em fine. I just don't think they should be allowed to get married in the church. That's all.' And he said, 'Well, grandma, then that means you don't like 'em.' But I like 'em fine.
Silence on my part.
Penny: He's at that age, you know, where they ask questions.
Me: How old is he?
Penny: 20.
Me: Hmmm....
Penny: How old's your son?
Me: 14.
Penny: And does he ask you questions?
Me: Oh yes, we've been talking about all kinds of things for years now. It's always interesting!
By then the sandwich-making ingredients had run out so I excused myself to pick up trash and then I quietly left.
2. Describe any emotions you perceived in others.
I felt warmth from Penny, and I sensed that she wanted to like me, and that she did like me. I perceived her emotions to be very frank and up-front. She seemed stable and calm throughout our interactions. I perceived her story about her grandson and gay people not being allowed to be married in the church as her way of asking for help or greater understanding.
3. Describe your personal feelings about the situation.
I felt sad. I had just spent most of my morning caring for and ministering to the people of St. Alban's, in general, and had invested about 20-30 minutes of my time listening to Penny, in particular, asking questions about her week, her health, her pets and her children, and then she dropped this bomb. It was surprising because here was someone I was connecting with and sharing stories with and then she said this very off-putting thing that is personally offensive to me, an openly gay, married woman. I was married in the church, too. I felt very sad, hurt and not sure what to do or say.
4. If it is a low point, state the problem. If it is a high point, state why it is so.
This is a definite low point. No one at St. Alban's has ever been anything but kind and welcoming to me, and no one has taken issue with my sexual orientation, at least not to my face. The problem is that I was blind-sided by the feeling of being personally offended by someone who I am in the process of ministering to. I felt hurt, and I didn't feel like I could say that to her, or converse with her about how we are all one in Christ Jesus.
5. If it is a low point, list some other ways you might have responded or handled it; if it is a high point, state any new insights or growth you perceive in the situation.
Instead of quietly making my exit, I could have said, "Penny, I was married in the church to my wife, Kathy. Did you know that?" I could have opened a conversation with her about why I believe Jesus calls me to be his disciple and to be in a life partnership with Kathy Wilder. I could have shared the journey that brought me from conservative Christian beliefs to my present-day progressive ideas about gay Christians. I could have asked her more questions to find out what she meant exactly, and why she thought gay people should not be married in church. Perhaps there would have been something in her answers to those inquiries that would have provided the building blocks for future conversations or interactions about this topic.
6. Deal with the question: "How do I understand or make sense of this incident theologically?"
As I walked to my car, the words of one of my SFM instructors came back to me. In a class on the Old Testament, the Rev. Michael Stone said that he struggled with some of the parishioners at his church because of their conservative views. In the context of a conversation about the Israelite prophets, and being prophetic today, he said, "Maybe the most prophetic thing I can do is put on my collar week after week, show up and love them." As I pondered my interaction with Penny, it struck me that the most helpful thing I could do was simply showing up and loving her in spite of her ignorance and narrow-mindedness. God was/is calling me to be the bigger person, and to be present to, and minister to, people who share radically different beliefs from me. God calls me to love Penny, even when she says disparaging things about gay people.
"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another" (John 13:35). I believe that if I continue to show up at St. Alban's with sincere love in my heart for Penny that God will transform both of us. Penny's views about marriage equality will be transformed into more accepting views, and I will be transformed into someone who can remain at the table, in the conversation, faithfully present to someone who has just given me the proverbial slap in the face. And love her.
These verses also come to mind: "For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit." (Ephesians 2:14-16 NIV). Jesus can break down barriers, dividing walls of hostility. I believe in miracles. I believe this can happen at St. Alban's with Penny.
No comments:
Post a Comment