Critical Incident Report
1. Describe the event including critical verbal and nonverbal communication and your responses.
Today I preached my first Sunday-morning sermon. Here's the sermon. Afterward, I stood next to Father Madsen and greeted people as they emerged from the sanctuary. Many people told me how much they liked my sermon, or introduced themselves, and a couple offered friendly advice. "Great sermon but slow down," one woman said. Another said, "Loved your sermon but lose the iPad." I accepted their advice, smiling, and talking with them about how nervous I was, but how I appreciated their feedback. I stood in line, and an older woman with gray, almost white hair, shook Fathrer Madsen's hand and said, "It was a very INTERESTING morning." I put out my hand to shake hers and she stood, frozen, and would not shake my hand. "Good morning," I said. "So glad you could make it." I smiled into her eyes. She finally took my hand, shook it and smiled back, saying, "Good morning." Then she quickly went on her way.
2. Describe any emotions you perceived in others.
I perceived irritation or annoyance in her voice when she said to Father Madsen that this was an "interesting" morning. She definitely had a disapproving tone. I perceived patience in Father Madsen.
3. Describe your personal feelings about the situation.
I felt vulnerable when I heard her say it was an "interesting" morning. I felt a bit scared, shy and worried all at once. I was relieved when Father Madsen simply smiled back at her and nodded, not inviting any conversation at the moment. I didn't want to offend anyone and I worried that I had by something I'd said in my sermon, but as I reflected on it later, I realized that it may not have been anything I said. It may have simply been who I am -- a woman who happens to be married to another woman. I did stand up in the announcements and introduce my partner, Kathy, my son, Owen and my mother-in-law, Amy. That may have been the "interesting" thing about this service.
4. If it is a low point, state the problem. If it is a high point, state why it is so.
Without speaking to the woman who made this comment, it's not entirely clear to me if this is a high point or a low point. If she thought the morning was interesting because she disagreed with my theology or statements in the sermon, that is not a high or low point. That is just a learning moment for both of us. I can listen to her and hear where she's coming from, and perhaps she can hear where I'm coming from, too. We can both learn from one another.
If she thought the morning was interesting because I am gay, then that is a low point because it's bigotry and prejudice in action. It irks me to think that had I been the exact same person but male, she may have had a wonderful morning. She may have heard the word of God preached and her spirit may have been uplifted. Perhaps she would have had a good, non-interesting morning if I had been female but married to a man.
It's all speculation on my part as to what this woman found "interesting." It could have been my sermon, my gender or my gay-ness. Or it could have had nothing to do with me at all. It could have been the terrible version of the Lord's Prayer that we stumbled through.
I have a hunch it has to do with me being gay and introducing my partner, Kathy, in front of the whole congregation, and being allowed to preach from the pulpit.
5. If it is a low point, list some other ways you might have responded or handled it; if it is a high point, state any new insights or growth you perceive in the situation.
If this woman is anti-homosexual as I suspect, and if she had said something overt that signaled this, I hope that I would have responded just as I did, with kindness and an open heart. I hope that I would have been respectful of her, even if she could not shake hands with me. I hope that I would have been able to say a prayer for her and to let it go, and not perseverate about it the whole afternoon.
6. Deal with the question: "How do I understand or make sense of this incident theologically?"
Jesus instructed his disciples to shake the dust off their feet as they leave the town where the people do not heed their words nor welcome them (Matthew 10:14, Luke 9:5). It is important in any leadership role to be able to let people have their reactions to you, something you said, your person, without feeling like you need to fix them or change yourself. This seems like an especially critical skill in ministry. The twelve-step work I've done in Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) helps me to see where my stuff ends and someone else's stuff begins, and not take responsibility for something that's not mine. All I can do is show up and be authentic. I can certainly grow in self-awareness, and take care not to steamroll over people's emotions or ideas, but it is not my job to make sure that no one's feelings are ever hurt, nor that they always agree 100% with everything I think, say or do. It is important that I be the body of Christ as best I can, which means as authentically as I can. It is also important that the little, old lady with white hair who may have objected to her "interesting" morning be the body of Christ as best she can. And there is room for both of us in the one body, for we are all one in Christ (Galatians 3:28).
But it's more than being one body. It's about loving someone through their transformation. It's a hard position to be in because I have to be the gay representative. Some of these people may have never met an openly gay person who is studying to be a priest. Therefore, it puts a lot of pressure on me because I'm the representative of all gay people. What I do speaks for all gay people, unfortunately. This is how it is to be a minority. All I can do is do my best.
By meeting bigotry with kindness, I accept where this woman is, and show her that her disapproval doesn't upset me. That combats her stereotype about gay people. It may shift her idea, ever so slightly, about all gay people. It shows her that I really am following Christ. He loved his enemies, even while dying on the cross, and had compassion on them. I hope that I can be even the faintest reflection of that for this woman. And perhaps the light will spread.
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